a lost zillennial

Short reflection on being ace on Valentine's Day

I want to preface by saying I'm actually not a V-Day hater. Yes, it's a capitalist scheme to make us buy chocolate and flowers for our beaus, but I appreciate any opportunity to celebrate.

a lost zillennial

I've been trying to parse my identity for a while, and I'm still not sure where I land with it. I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% sure. At present, I refer to myself as "queer" — it feels right because it is so broad. I know I fit in there somewhere, it's just a matter of where.

Putting attraction into words has never been easy for me. I'm typically an initiator, but looking back at how I've "started relationships," it's typically pretty subtle and is aimed at getting the other person to admit their feelings. But when I think of potential relationships, I just feel... disgust. I've gone on many a Bumble or Tinder date where I spent most of the evening trying to push back the ick about almost everything they do. I really don't like it.

Re: the boy from my last post, after we both said we liked each other, I could barely look him in the eye and had no idea how to proceed. Last week, a guy flirted with me at a bar, and I didn't get the hint until he literally yelled in my ear, "YOU'RE A VERY PRETTY LADY," before leaving immediately after.

Relationships are cringe! I don't know how else to say it.

BUT. But. I also want to be in one again. How annoying, right?

I've noticed about myself that once I establish that there is mutual attraction between me and another person, I go all-in on pursuing a relationship. Casual doesn't exist for me, although I am actively working on that in multiple facets of my life. At that point, either (A) the person says they're not ready for a relationship at that current moment in time or it wouldn't work out for whatever reason even though they "really like" me, or (B) we get into a labeled relationship VERY quickly. I haven't had anything occur outside of those two categories. My friends "talk to" a lot of people or have flings, and I can't even picture myself doing that.

Where being ace fits into all of this is that I've often felt like much of the reason a relationship "wouldn't work out" is because I take a while to warm up to people (ironic when I just said I jump head-first into relationships). Once people — men — realize I'm not open to having sex immediately, many of them dip out or make it clear that, yes, they respect me, but they also want to have sex very soon. I've mostly accepted this fact about myself at this point, but for a while, I felt like something was very seriously wrong with me.

I think the reason I move so quickly is because I convince myself that I finally found the person who I could one day love despite my aversion to relationships with most people. If we click on day one, that means something must work between the two of us.

I have loved many people before. My love, however, is far reaching. I love my friends so very much, and that probably shows in how much I'd do for them at the drop of a hat. Love and infatuation are different. Infatuation, for me, is that warm butterfly feeling. Love is the devotion you show based on your care for someone.

Anyway, this is getting to be a not-so-short reflection.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm supposed to be in a relationship, so whenever I see an opportunity to engage in one, I convince myself that they're The One. That person feels "right," but do I even know what "right" feels like? I choose my crushes somewhat arbitrarily — "They don't give me the ick THAT much" — almost based on what happens at the beginning of romance novels... which is not much. It's like I'm performing what I think relationships are supposed to be.

What remains true is that I very rarely feel any inkling of attraction toward a person before I become friends with them. When I do feel "attraction" outside of that, it's more that I just recognize they are an objectively attractive person, I think. There's not much feeling there.

All that being said, this is certainly not my last time talking about this, fellow Bear Bloggers ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ As always, shoot me an email if you have anything you want to share about this. I'd appreciate the insight.



Shoot me a comment or start a conversation with me by emailing davstri4077@gmail.com.